12 Signs It's Time to Break Your Dysfunctional Family Cycle
Updated January 2023: I’m so glad you’re here and taking steps towards healing. I do have a series of articles on reparenting but want to be upfront that I’m in a place in my healing journey where I’ve moved away from talking about narcissistic traits in others and I’m currently focusing solely on my expansion and what brings me joy. I’ve moved away from the textbooks and have jumped headfirst back into shadow work art (my original healing medium) mixed with a newfound interest in mushrooms. If the thought of using art and mushrooms to find peace outside of your family’s dysfunctions excites you then definitely do poke around. Sending you luck on your journey, friend.
You might jokingly call your family dysfunctional, but the hard truth is that your dysfunctional family cycle needs to be broken—for your sake and everyone around you.
Sometimes the signs of a dysfunctional family are obvious, but others are more subtle. In fact, for a lot of people who grew up (or are still growing up) in toxic families, knowing the signs of an unhealthy cycle is challenging.
You might these things are normal for most families since they're normal for your family. But these 12 signs that it's time to break your dysfunctional family cycle are not normal for healthy families. They signal toxic behavior that needs to stop.
1. Your home environment is usually tense.
Toxic families are defined by the presence of conflict, misbehavior, and abuse. If you constantly feel hesitant to interact with your family or expect socializing to end in conflict, your home environment is likely tense.
Even if you're out of your childhood home now, if it's tense when you reach out to family members, that's a sign that your family may be dysfunctional.
2. Yelling, screaming, and hitting are normal.
Physical and verbal abuse are clear signs that a cycle needs to be broken. If violence is standard in your home (and that includes yelling and spanking), your family is dysfunctional and toxic.
Sometimes, parents believe that it's okay to raise their voice or hit a child because that's how they were raised. But those behaviors are disrespectful and traumatizing to the children involved. Being the cycle breaker means a better life for you and your kids, especially when physical abuse is involved.
3. Neglect is common.
Although we tend to think of abuse as the bad things people do, neglect is a form of abuse that focuses on the things parents don't do. Neglect can mean withholding love as punishment, not feeding children, not getting children medical care, or intentionally withholding attention.
If neglect is common in your family, you likely have one or more emotionally unavailable parents. This unavailability prevents them from showing up for you, and it can be traumatizing. If you've experienced neglect, you might be hyper-independent—and those are both signs that it's time to break the cycle.
4. One (or more) of your family members is an addict.
Addiction is a major cause of family dysfunction, and more families suffer from it than you might think. Alcoholism is the most common addiction, but it also tends to be overlooked. Whether it's binge drinking or daily drinking, alcoholism can take a toll on the drinker's mental health and their family's wellbeing.
If addiction runs in your family, it's a red flag that indicates a toxic cycle that needs to stop. Dismissing a family member's alcoholism only hurts you and your family—but holding them accountable for their behavior usually isn't what they want to hear.
5. Your family members (including you) suffer from perfectionism.
Although addiction is easier to identify, perfectionism can be just as toxic. When parents hold children up to unrealistic standards, it creates adults who set themselves up for disappointment and struggle to cope with failure.
Perfect is impossible. Mistakes are inevitable. So, expecting perfection is a recipe for disaster, and it's extremely harmful to your mental wellbeing.
6. You often feel afraid around your family.
If you're used to experiencing physical, verbal, or emotional abuse around your family, you might feel afraid when you're with them. You might also experience anxiety about going to see them.
In a healthy family, anxiety, worry, and fear are not the emotions that pop up when a family gathering is about to occur. If you experience a lot of negative emotions surrounding time spent with your family members, there's a dysfunctional cycle that needs to be broken.
7. Your parents are unpredictable.
Stability is important for anyone, especially children. If your parents, guardians, or other family members are unpredictable, instability becomes a regular part of life. You might feel on edge or uneasy whenever they're in the room—not knowing how they'll respond to your behavior, news, or things you say.
8. There is a lack of healthy boundaries.
Boundaries are a core part of any healthy relationship. In toxic families, it's not uncommon for boundaries to be unclear, unenforced, or disrespected.
If a parent disregards your opinions, needs, or wants and makes decisions for you, their controlling nature ignored boundaries. An intimidating parent might even discourage you from sharing your thoughts or speaking up for yourself when a boundary is crossed.
You might also experience parents who become aggressive or offended when a boundary is set or people who don't respect your bodily autonomy. If someone doesn't accept "no" for an answer regarding your life and your body, it's another red flag.
9. Your family members are manipulative and love conditionally.
We've covered that withholding love is a form of neglect, and conditional love is a form of that. Parents might be proud about accomplishes or behavior they deem acceptable, but when something goes wrong, suddenly their support vanishes.
This is manipulation that's meant to shape your behavior. Although all parents want to help their kids have good behavior, manipulation is not the way to do it. Manipulation might also look like gaslighting, invalidation, love bombing, or even bullying.
10. A sense of closeness is rare or absent.
Intimacy is an important part of many relationships, including familial ones. It might look like sitting down together at the dinner table, hugging to comfort someone, or having a deeply emotional conversation.
If there is no emotional or physical intimacy in your family, then it's dysfunctional. You're likely to end up struggling later on in your relationships unless you choose to break the cycle.
11. Clear, open communication is lacking.
Communication is another pillar of healthy relationships. If your family is dysfunctional, tense, and disrespectful, the chances are high that communication is not healthy.
A common behavior in toxic families is to pretend that everything is okay when it isn't. If someone has a problem with another family member, they might never share their feelings. Brushing things under the rug becomes standard.
Family members may also fail to respect each other's schedules when planning, and frustration is common without open lines of communication.
12. You don't feel comfortable sharing your thoughts or feelings.
Finally, if you don't confide in your family about the things that matter to you, your family is probably toxic. Healthy relationships provide support to everyone involved, and if you don't feel comfortable being vulnerable with your family, it's probably because they've shown you it's not a safe space.
Be the one to break the cycle.
It's called a cycle for a reason. It's lasted for a long, long time, and the generational trauma you've inherited has a dark desire to be passed on to your kids.
But your recognition of the importance of living a healthy life, exploring yourself, and learning how to be a better parent is the first step towards breaking the cycle. It's your turn to take control and decide what the future holds for your family.