How to Go No Contact with Family Members in 5 Not-So-Easy Steps
Updated January 2023: I’m so glad you’re here and taking steps towards healing. I do have a series of articles on reparenting but want to be upfront that I’m in a place in my healing journey where I’ve moved away from talking about narcissistic traits in others and I’m currently focusing solely on expansion and what brings me joy. I’ve moved away from the textbooks and have jumped headfirst back into shadow work art (my original healing medium) mixed with a newfound interest in mushrooms. If the thought of using art and mushrooms to find peace outside of your family’s dysfunctions excites you then definitely do poke around. Sending you luck on your journey, friend.
When people say that they’re going no contact after a breakup or in a romantic relationship, it’s usually a manipulative move to get the other person back.
But, when you want to go no contact regarding a familial relationship, it’s more often because your life would be better without that relationship in it—due to their manipulative tendencies.
This can be a difficult realization—most people want a relationship with their family members, even if it's toxic. And for some people, it takes years of trying to improve the relationship’s health to decide that no contact is the best path forward.
If you’ve decided to go no contact with a family member, or you’re considering it, this article will show you what to expect and give you some food for thought.
Keep in mind that every relationship dynamic is different, and there’s no complete one-size-fits-all guide to going no contact that will work for everyone. So, take what you want from this step-by-step guide to going no contact with family—and leave what you don’t want behind.
How to Go No Contact with Family Members in 5 Not-So-Easy Steps
Going no contact isn’t as easy as following a step-by-step WikiHow (although there is one for that). Your personal journey is your own, and this guide is meant to help you reflect, examine, and move forward in a way that works for you.
1. Consider the Opportunities You Gave Them to Change
No contact with family members is often a last resort for people in toxic situations. When deciding to go no contact, you might think, should I tell my family why I want to go no contact?
The chances are that you already have.
How many times have you communicated your boundaries, only for them to be repeatedly disrespected?
How often do you find yourself gaslit when trying to discuss the problems in your familial relationship?
When was the last time they held space for your emotions regarding a problem they were involved in?
If you gave them a second chance (which is likely more like a hundredth or thousandth chance), what do you expect would happen?
Hoping for the best will only get you so far. After a certain point, it’s time to reflect on why no contact is the best path forward.
On the other hand, you might be in a situation where you haven’t voiced your emotions, needs, or boundaries. If you think that going no contact may be an impulsive or vindictive decision that popped into your head after a big fight, consider taking some more time to reflect.
As a cycle breaker, being raised in a toxic household means that you likely have some toxic behaviors to work on, too.
2. Give Yourself the Space to Process Your Emotions
Going no contact with family members is likely going to bring up some big emotions. Hold space for those emotions. Instead of saying, “I shouldn’t feel this way,” allow yourself to feel the anger, guilt, sadness, resentment, and grief that may come up.
Instead of rejecting or pushing away your emotions, create a safe space where you can feel and process those emotions. Then, examine why you feel that way.
You might feel a certain way because:
you’ve never had to go no contact before, and this is a new experience
you hold negative beliefs about yourself and your decisions
you are empathetic to your family’s point of view (even if they aren’t to yours)
Practice feeling and reflecting on your emotions, especially surrounding your no contact arrangement. If you start this when you first consider no contact and continue after cutting ties, you’ll find it much easier to manage your emotions.
3. Remind Yourself Why You Went No Contact
After cutting ties with family, your emotions might lead you to a place where you’re considering contact. For some people, there may be enough space and time to heal where they feel comfortable and safe initiating minimal contact with an estranged family member.
If that’s not you—that’s okay too.
Either way, consider why you went no contact in the first place before initiating contact. Explore that person’s behavioral patterns, beliefs, and attitude. You might find that you’re not ready to face that sort of toxicity again just yet (or ever). Some common reasons people go no contact include:
frequent invalidation, gaslighting, or manipulation
unethical or immoral behaviors
fear of/threats of violence
lack of respect, care, or consideration
4. Pay Attention to the Shifts That No Contact Brought
Going no contact can be life-changing. When the stressors of a toxic family are removed, you give yourself a gift.
Removing the burden of stress can provide room for you to grow and flourish—and most people experience positive outcomes in their personal lives after going no contact. Be mindful of how your life is changing or has changed.
Conscious recognition of how much better life is without contact can help you move forward through life with the confidence of knowing you made a healthy decision.
5. Build Your Life
After cutting ties with your family, you’ll soon realize that you can recenter your life on yourself—your goals, aspirations, dreams, and growth. Building a life that aligns with your values and beliefs will become possible.
So, the final step in going no contact is to take care of yourself. And that likely involves working through your familial trauma and breaking the cycle of toxic behavior.
Safety Precautions: The Technical Side of Going No Contact
The sad truth is that many people face the fear of retaliation when going no contact with a toxic family member. Here are some technical things to consider when going no contact that can help ensure your safety and privacy in case people don’t respect your boundaries.
These precautions won’t apply to everyone, but they can help people who are worried that their family won’t be receptive to a no contact policy—even if it’s temporary.
1. Block Their Phone Number
Some people will continue to send texts and call excessively, even after you’ve made your needs clear.
2. Make Social Media Accounts Private
Consider switching accounts to private if they aren't already. And don’t accept friend or follow requests from people you don’t know. It could be a friend of a “friend” or a fake account with motivations to keep tabs on you or message you.
3. Block Them and Their Inner Circle
Some people might share seemingly innocent information about you to the person you’ve decided to go no contact with—even when they mean the best. This could encourage your no contact family to reach out to you, and it can also give them personal information you’d rather keep private.
So, consider blocking your no contact family member’s inner circle, too.
4. Add Security to Your Online Accounts
If you’re concerned about your online security, add two-step authentication and change your passwords.
5. Communicate with Trusted Friends
If a no contact situation is potentially dangerous, be sure to talk to trusted friends or a professional about it. Receiving support is essential for your mental health.
6. Get a Restraining Order
For those who are worried about the threat of violence, a restraining order may be necessary. In some states, you may need “reasonable proof” to file, such as intimidating messages, voicemails, or pictures.
Go No Contact for a Better Life
Going no contact with family members is a decision that can—and likely will—improve your life. The road ahead isn’t easy, but you are a cycle breaker. You are strong, capable, and resilient.