16 Simple Ways to Encourage Self Healing: 1-8
Sigmund Freud said “Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.”, and I’m sure many of us have found this to be true.
Chances are that’s why you are here momma. You are burnt out, tired of hurting, and in need of effective ways to heal.
Luckily, it doesn’t have to complicated and you are not alone.
I’m sharing 16 tried and proven ways to encourage self-healing.
Nothing on this list is rocket science, and most of it is meant to emphasize the importance of doing small, meaningful things on a consistent basis.
Balance is the key here.
Implement a few of these small activity upgrades into your everyday life and you will quickly recognize the transformational benefits and reap the rewards.
1: Creating Art
I’ve always believed that creating (or even just appreciating) different types of artistic works can have therapeutic health benefits, so I was happy to discover that I’m not alone. Scientific and medical communities are also now recognizing that art therapy and the enjoyment of creative works can promote healing and help stave off certain types of physical and emotional illnesses and conditions. This is perfect post break-up, after all, your mental health is just as important as your physical health, and if art can help you heal your psyche AND your body, I’m all for it!
Remember, the goal of pursuing art for healing purposes isn’t to sharpen high-level artistic skills and become the next Michelangelo. Rather, it’s to tap into these creative outlets as a means of self-expression and release. Art healing focuses on your inner psyche, (feelings, thoughts, perceptions). It’s about letting an ”art zone” experience help you create a sacred space where you can be free to express yourself however you want, with no fear of judgment or caring about others’ expectations. If nothing else, it’s about creating a time and place in your life where you can simply declutter your thoughts.
If this sounds like your cup of tea, sign up for Momma Mail, where I will cover more types of art healing, share info on upcoming retreats here in The Bahamas (including a first of it's kind Momma Camp trip specifically created with you and your little ones in mind!👩👧), and so much more!
Before I reveal my favorite art practices for post-break-up trauma healing and recovery, I feel a need to address the elephant in the room. Yep, I’m talking to all you ladies who are silently thinking: “But Kya, I don’t have an artistic bone in my body.”
Let me make myself clear: when I use the term “art,” I’m not just referring to traditional arts like painting, drawing, and sculpturing (although they are included too). I’m talking about art forms that extend into other creative areas, such as journaling, playing music, creating pottery, making jewelry, writing poetry, etc. When you expand the definition of “art” to include these forms of expression, you might discover that you are the DaVinci of, say, cake decorating or jewelry making!
Art healing can benefit:
Adults dealing with severe everyday stress
People who have suffered a traumatic event such as a divorce or break up
Victims of emotional, physical and sexual abuse
Individuals living with depression and anxiety
Art healing projects and therapeutic art hobbies can benefit virtually anyone who needs an edifying and productive pastime (that has nothing to do with a smartphone or food, lol). Tap into your creative side and learn how to tell a new story about your life by re-imagining your interests and applying your natural talents.
As a first step, think about and notice the art forms around you that you might want to pursue. Again, you don’t have to have traditional art skills to embark on an art healing program. What are some artistically creative things around you that you appreciate? Do you live close to a beach? Why not try your hand at making driftwood and seashell dreamcatchers or some sand glass paperweights? Are you in an urban area? Ask your local municipality if you can hand-paint some fire hydrants or garbage pails in a neighborhood park.
When it comes to art for healing purposes, you need to remember one important rule: THERE ARE NO RULES! As unique as your fingerprint, there’s no such thing as “good” or “bad” art. Your art is perfect art.
2: Getting Outside
Getting outside has been a saving grace for me over the last few months. (Just by chance I got lucky -- I called my marriage quits in the Spring!) These are a few things I did to get out of the confines of my apartment:
Driving
When I am not in the mood to exercise or do some “woo-woo” sounding self-improvement, a good car ride is usually enough to boost my mood and help me clear my head.
Walking/Bike Riding
Don’t have a car? Go for a walk or a nice bike ride. But remember, the goal here is not to walk or ride for exercise—the goal is simply to get fresh air and enjoy. Don’t be thinking about burning calories or raising heart beats (I’ll make some comments about that later). Just think about breathing deep and enjoying your surroundings.
Gardening and Harvesting
Gardening and seasonal harvesting (apple picking, strawberry picking, pumpkin picking) are other great ways to get outside that don’t require you to be exercising.
As you do these things, think about how many wonderful fruits, vegetables and plants start off as dark hard seeds that seem to have no life in them. But with a bit of soil, water, and sunlight they develop into wonderfully nutritious and healthy life-sustaining foods. You can find a lot of inspiration when thinking about plants and planting.
Grounding
I had been seeing a lot of articles about “grounding,” a.k.a. “earthing,” floating around the Internet last year. Grounding is the process of going outside either barefoot or in shoes with leather soles, to allow our bodies to be in direct contact with the earth.
I decided to find out more about it, and this is what I learned:
Our bodies are electrical — everything from our heartbeat to our brain impulses and our digestive system all rely on electrical signals to work properly.
Grounding ensures that we main proper conductivity and can benefit us by leading to:
Improved sleep
Lowered stress levels
Reduction of pain and inflammation
Improved circulation
This was great news for me because I love being barefoot!
What attracts me to grounding is the wonderful feeling of the grass under my feet and the softness of the sand and soil between my toes. No easy access to nature? No worries! One of my favorite grounding experiences is feeling the heat of cement or asphalt after a long day of work - it’s a frugal girl’s hot stone massage. Hello!!!
Aside from grounding, there are other, more obvious benefits associated with being outside:
Restored mental energy
Improved concentration
Stress relief
Increased Vitamin D levels (required to help the body absorb calcium).
But perhaps the greatest benefit of spending more time outside is that it serves as a reminder that there is a big, wonderful world out here for us to experience!
3: Your Music Choice
No small reason why music is in the Top 5 on my “not really in order/but sorta-kinda” list. That’s because music is such an instantaneous fix for so many of my ailments.
The music we listen to is in fact the soundtrack to your life.
During the first few months of my separation I found myself listening to a lot more music, perhaps as a way to adjust to all the new-found silence in my home. I found myself listening to a lot of hip-hop...a bit of the old-school with a good variety of newer artists as well. ("Newer" meaning Eminem and Weezy as opposed to Snoop Dog and Nate Dogg - pretty much the music that was popular when I was in high school and college, my younger/freer years).
I see now that in addition to wanting to numb my emotions, (it ain’t nuttin but a G-thang baby!), in some ways I was regressing back to my youth, using this particular music as a sort of defense mechanism that would erase the pain that was happening in my mind.
Yea...that didn't work!
According to psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud, regression, is a defense mechanism leading to the temporary or long-term reversion of the ego to an earlier stage of development rather than handling unacceptable impulses in a more adaptive way. The defense mechanism of regression, in psychoanalytic theory, occurs when an individual's personality reverts to an earlier stage of development, adopting more childish mannerisms.
🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭
Emoji overload? Yes, but I animate all that to say...I was feeling crazy y'all.
But besides all that… hear this:
The music we listen to is basically the “sound track” to our lives. What we allow in our ears not only affects our mood
In my case, my biggest mistake was listening to Kanye’s “I Thought About Killing You” from the Ye.
Here is an excerpt -
(Lyrics)
The most beautiful thoughts are always besides the darkest
Today, I seriously thought about killing you
I contemplated, premeditated murder
And I think about killing myself
And I love myself way more than I love you, so…
(Lord, what was I thinking by listening to that song?!?!)
This is far from me throwing shade...I have been a fan of Mr. West since 808 and Heartbreak.
But it also goes to show that we must be careful of what/who we are listening to. It was no secret the Kanye has had a tough couple of years with the death of his mom, his wife getting kidnapped and the end of his close friendship with Jay-Z. I totally feel for him, and know that he is still an amazingly talented musician and producer...but I have to protect my self-interest more than I need to support an artist.
Over the last few months I’ve cleaned up my playlist. Some of the artists I keep in constant rotation include Lauryn , Matisyahu, Tash Sultana, Thievery Corporation, and any and everything from the Marley’s. Any Marley.
Music matters. I played SOJA’s “I Don’t Want to Wait” repeatedly while planning the outline for my Baggage Detox Vacation Services. It really helped me to stay in the right energy and focus on my top priorities of providing methods of healing, community, and rejuvenation for women who are living through a post break-up time in their lives.
Gotta keep the vibe high!
4: Exercising
Immediately after the breakup I wasn’t in the mood to exercise…or do much of anything else other than “word-vomiting” and drinking (and not necessarily in that order).
But as I mentioned in the intro, I knew what I was doing to myself was self-destructive, and I wasn’t going to get any better without putting in some effort. And there’s no avoiding it. Exercise takes effort.
At the beginning, I had to make conscious decisions that seemed arduous and unnatural. For example, I had to choose to NOT start drinking during afterwork happy hours and exercise instead. Then I had to decide to NOT drink later on in the evening so I’d have the energy to wake up at 5 a.m. to get in a morning session. Sure, it wasn’t easy, and there was a lot of pressure, but exercise is one of those things that no one else can do for you. So there comes a time when you just have to make the commitment to get moving.
Studies show that even jogging twice a week for 20–30 minutes per session can produce benefits (https://www.health.com/fitness/when-it-comes-to-jogging-easy-does-it-study-suggests). But if jogging isn’t your thing, don’t let that stop you. Just move! (Even if it is a walk around the house.) Who knows, a short, slow stroll might eventually build up to more! The point is, in addition to getting into better physical shape and staying healthy, moving your body will also reduce negative emotions. Some other pros of exercising include stress relief, mood-boosting, and having a healthier body image.
From Pilates to pole dancing classes, there’s an exercise for everyone. What’s been calling you?
5: Eating Better
This is a no brainer. When you eat better, you feel better, and when you feel better, you live better.
Make a conscious effort to eat better – more fruits, vegetables and lean protein and lots of water. Let’s put down the processed food once and for all.
A fun way I’ve been able to increase my recipe arsenal is to host and participate in pot-luck style lunches and dinners with friends, neighbors, family members and co-workers. This is a great way to try new dishes that someone else has already perfected, without having to do all the work solo. It’s also a wonderful way to hang out with other people, have some laughs, and hopefully get out of your head. These are not intended to be lavish parties...intimate is best.
Another tip for easily getting started on a healthier diet is to add beneficial vitamins by way of nutrient-rich liquids. Check out your local health food store for items such asMany mixes and tonics ingested in liquid form not only provide for easy consumption but are faster to prepare than most meals and are a super-efficient way to boost your health.
Something I’ve recently begun doing is to cook foods that I really enjoy, but that weren’t necessarily favorites of my former partner. I guess that’s one of the natural results of phasing a partner out of your life. The moment of realization came a few days ago when I was having dinner and thought to myself, “Wow, this fried fish is so delicious! Why haven’t I eaten this for so long?!” (Oh yeah…because hubby wasn’t a fan of fish and complained about the smell it would make in the kitchen.)
These types of realizations spilled into other areas of my life as well…
”Why has it been so long since I watched stand-up comedy?”
(Oh yeah…”You Know Who” preferred sci-fi and anime.)
“Why has it been so long since I hung out with my friends?”
(Oh yeah…hubby would throw a mini-tantrum any time you (rarely) mentioned the possibility of you going out with your friends. He’d accuse you of abandoning him and leaving him alone to raise your child.) 🙄
Sure, some of these types of small sacrifices were happily made in the name of “healthy compromise,” but now it doesn’t matter. You’re no longer obligated to adjust your lifestyle to anyone else, so it’s the perfect time to lean into your missed pieces.
So now I totally embrace this type of small, but significant, revelation, and I am happily cooking meals that I really love. I’m also re-enjoying other things that I had been sacrificing and compromising on over the last few years.
So yeah, I want curry. Twice a week! 🍛
Yes, onions. On everything! (how is there no onion emoji?!? clutches pearls)
Unlimited seafood. You read that right. Unlimited seafood! 🐟 🐠 🍣
And more veggies, please! 🥒 🥕 🍅 🍆
[caption id="attachment_416" align="alignnone" width="605"] Roasted beet and spinach pizza[/caption]
Have you realized that you’ve given up some of your favorite foods or pastimes? Now’s the time to rediscover and re-embrace them as much as you want. There’ll be plenty of time to compromise and “make nice” again during your next relationship.
6: Volunteering
When making a commitment to volunteer for a cause, it’s important to think about your schedule first. You don’t want to take on more than you are mentally prepared for, especially after a breakup. The type of volunteer work is also something to consider — this probably isn’t the best time to volunteer at a suicide crisis center where you’d be advising people who are suffering with depression due to a breakup! Perhaps think about less intense volunteer options, such as local animal shelters, assisted living facilities or senior centers, park or beach clean-ups, or youth-focused programs.
Volunteering with a program that’s tied to a mission and vision, such as a community walk-a-thon or a fund-raising drive will make it more likely that you’ll stay the course. And, in addition to releasing feel good dopamine hits, volunteering is a great way to pursue your interests and flex your skillsets in ways that are not directly work related.
For example, I’m currently volunteering at the Bahamas Crisis Center, a non-profit organization that works with victims of sexual, physical and psychological abuse. I’m putting together the annual children’s Christmas party. I get to do something for a good cause and play to my strong suits of organizing and event planning.
Also, my son Judah and I recently learned about a volunteer program that helps support several local charities by selling handmade ceramic bowls. We get to feed our creative side, get a little messy and spend some fun time together. (That clay wheel is no joke!)
There are many great benefits to volunteering, and the only thing you need to start is an open mind and positive attitude. Trust me, you’ll feel so much better helping other people, and you’ll help yourself by getting your mind off of your problems.
Not quite ready to take on the responsibilities of being a volunteer? There are plenty of positive ways to help others without over-committing yourself. For example, you can help a charity (and clean up your house) by donating slightly used clothing, household items, and even your ex’s prized possessions (I'm only half-way kidding on that last one)!
7: Becoming Self-Aware
When you are so caught up in your daily grind that you can’t focus, you do just the bare minimum to get by and cope. A wise person once said: “can’t control the situation, but you can control how you respond to it.” And one of the ways you can learn how to respond is by taking the time to become more self-aware.
When I was newly separated, I took some extra time to sit back and reflect on how I had arrived at my situation. I took a long hard look at all the little brush strokes that eventually ended up painting the bigger picture of my life. It turned out to be 10 years of reflection...which brought up certain issues that were occurring even from before my husband and I got married.
In my new self-awareness mode, I am learning about several of my triggers, such as how I can be short tempered and defensive; now I know. I’ve also become better at figuring out practical solutions, for example “speed-blocking” on my phone. When I feel conversations with my son’s father are going into attack mode, I block his calls for a while. I don’t do this to be mean or dominant, I do it for the sake of my sanity. I need to able to shut it down….and to not feel badly about it. Our constant arguing and our inability to compromise with each other was one of the reasons we separated. As part of being a couple, I dealt with it. Now, since I’m not his wife anymore, I don’t have to.
Two of my favorite quizzes that I used to start my self-learning journey are the Myers-Briggs Personality Test and the Enneagram Test. I also, got a little more into learning about my zodiac sign for a hot second, but mehhhh....that second is over now.
I had taken the Myers-Briggs Personality Test years ago via 16personalities.com, but still retook the test and sifted through the information. My results were still INTP. (Introverts unite! ✊🏽butttt.....not in large groups 😅...or in person. Actually, a virtual fist bump is a-ok! 🤜🏼🤛🏽)
The Enneagram Test was new to me, and boy, oh boy did it throw me through a loop. I wasn't so keen on my results. Type 6: The Loyalist...basically - at their worst - a walking ball of anxiousness that stays around in situations/with persons longer than most would. (Hello, shitty marriage. 👋🏼) Also, the Type most known to develop alcoholic and drug related addictions.
After taking all these tests I felt exposed and vulnerable. When I found out the results, I was like “OMG, I thought I had been successfully fooling the world. Haven't I been faking it 'til I make it, like I'm supposed to?” But then I had a comforting realization -- You all already know I’m this crazy, anxious person! And most (ok some) of you still love me anyway. Who am I kidding? Answer: Only myself.
What I enjoyed about The Enneagram Test was that it gave you an entire spectrum (levels) of each type. Type 6's are known for their anxiety, and on the unhealthy end of the spectrum can be passive-aggressive and are prone to feeling persecuted. However, when in a healthy state, Type 6's are self-affirming and affectionate. The Enneagram Institute shares that at Level 3 (which is the lowest of the Higher Levels and right above the Average 6) Type 6's are "Dedicated to individuals and movements in which they deeply believe. Community builders: responsible, reliable, trustworthy. Hard-working and persevering, sacrificing for others, they create stability and security in their world, bringing a cooperative spirit."
🙌🏽🎉🥂I'll drink to that...but, maybe let's keep it non-alcoholic for the time being.
I encourage you to take the step to becoming more self-aware. Personality is created by years of accumulated habits, feelings and learned ideas. By learning more about yourself, you can begin to break free of the mental boxes that you are in and be the super woman that you are destined to be. 💪
8: Spiritual Awareness
I think this started back up shortly . And it just made sense. All the chatter in my head, the constant need for music to drown out the silence, the type of music I was listening to...none of it felt like it was from God.
God doesn’t deal in confusion.
The power of prayer cannot be stressed enough. He listens both in quiet moments and noisy times.
Depend on God’s power to comfort and support you. If you have drifted away from our Creator, now is the time to draw closer to Him and establish (or re-establish) a personal relationship with Him. Reading your Bible may provide you with answers and comfort.
Be still, and know He is God.