How to Overcome the 3 Trials and Tribulations All Cycle Breakers Face
Updated January 2023: I’m so glad you’re here and taking steps towards healing. I do have a series of articles on reparenting but want to be upfront that I’m in a place in my healing journey where I’ve moved away from talking about narcissistic traits in others and I’m currently focusing solely on my expansion and what brings me joy. I’ve moved away from the textbooks and have jumped headfirst back into shadow work art (my original healing medium) mixed with a newfound interest in mushrooms. If the thought of using art and mushrooms to find peace outside of your family’s dysfunctions excites you then definitely do poke around. Sending you luck on your journey, friend.
If your childhood was characterized by chaos, addiction, abuse, neglect, or control, your adult life is likely caught in the cycle of toxicity that you inherited from your family. If you’re here right now, it means that you are a cycle breaker.
And being a cycle breaker means you’re in for it. Life ahead won’t be easy (but if we’re honest, was it ever easy?). I’m going to break down the 3 trials and tribulations that all cycle breakers are bound to face, along with some advice on how to cope with and manage each one.
Like with any journey, being prepared can help a whole lot when things start to get messy. So, let’s jump in.
The First Trial: Self-Doubt
The first trial you’ll face will be self-doubt. When you experience a lack of warmth in your own childhood, parenting can be incredibly scary to think about, let alone actually accomplish.
If you’re a mom who only saw a toxic version of motherhood, you’re probably terrified when it comes to raising your own kids. But you can’t let that fear of failure stop you from loving or nurturing your children.
Overcoming self-doubt is all about trusting yourself and following your intuition. Nourishing that trust involves taking time out of every day for self-care.
Here are some things you can do to promote more trust in yourself as a parent, role model, teacher, leader, and person:
surround yourself with positive and affirming people
practice validating your emotions
note negative thought patterns and beliefs and work to undo them
talk about your self-doubt with trusted friends
recognize yourself as a strong survivor, not a victim
celebrate small successes
Overcoming self-doubt isn’t as easy as 1, 2, 3. It takes time, constant effort, and lots of love. But you are strong, and you can do it.
The Second Trial: Loneliness
Your second tribulation will be loneliness. Feeling out of place is something almost everyone will experience in their lifetime, but for cycle breakers, the loneliness can become chronic and severe.
If you’re suffering from severe depression, the best thing you can do for yourself and your kids is to seek professional help. Talk therapy can be extremely helpful, and in some instances, medications can help, too.
Whether you choose to talk to a therapist or not, there are strategies for overcoming loneliness that you can do, well, on your own.
Your relationship with yourself is usually the root cause of what makes you feel out of place, and the source of those feelings is, you guessed it, probably from your childhood. But, now that you’re an adult and a parent, you need to overcome the loneliness to feel better and show up for your family.
Imagine that you’re two different people—one side of you feels alone, and the other side is a friend who wants to help you feel less alone. What sort of things might you “two” do together?
For starters, you might talk about how your day was or what’s important to you. Notice how you respond to yourself in these moments of journaling or quiet reflection. Are you negative, putting yourself down, or invalidating? Try to be a better friend to yourself by practicing validation, affirmation, support, and love.
You might want to have a nice cuddle under some blankets with a cup of tea or spend some quality time reading a good book. How you treat your relationship with yourself will determine how alone you feel, and being present and supportive towards yourself will help you be more supportive of those around you, too.
Also, consider talking to your close friends about your experiences of loneliness. They can help create a safe space where you feel comfortable sharing and exploring why you feel that way. Leaning on a community of people who support you can be a great way to combat feelings of being alone or left out.
The Third Trial: Guilt
Finally, you will likely struggle with feelings of guilt. It’s common for victims of trauma to blame themselves for what happened, thinking in “if” statements, like “if only I had done something differently” or “if only I were stronger or smarter.”
You are not to blame for what happened to you. And you’re not to blame for the consequences, either. You can’t control how you feel, so own those feelings—all of them.
A lot of times, we’re taught to hold in our anger, our frustration, or our disappointment. Then, when we communicate those emotions or simply just experience them, we feel guilty for feeling them in the first place. But it’s okay to feel.
What’s not okay is letting those feelings override your brain and cause you to behave inappropriately. But, if we’re honest, no one is perfect. So, cut yourself some slack when you make mistakes, too.
Self-blame doesn’t serve you. Usually, it’s just you shaming yourself and making yourself feel worse than you already do about something.
If you’ve been pushed to the edge where no contact is the best approach to your toxic family, it’s normal to feel guilty about the situation. Of course, you love them and want to speak to them—so shouldn’t you let them in your life?
They might even tell you that you’re the one tearing the family apart. But your decision to protect yourself and your loved ones from their toxic behavior is not wrong.
To overcome feelings of shame, self-blame, and guilt, you must face your feelings. Acknowledge the guilt and where it comes from. Affirm that it is not your fault—or apologize for what happened. And then, practice gratitude for all the love that you give and receive in your life.
Final Thoughts: You Can Overcome
Cycle breaking isn’t easy, and if you’re at the beginning of the path towards a broken toxic cycle, these three trials and tribulations might seem daunting. But don’t let that discourage you.
As a cycle breaker, your job is to build a life for yourself and your kids that is healthier, more loving, and more supportive than your childhood was—and you can do it.
Don’t give up because overcoming self-doubt, loneliness, and guilt is possible.