7 Reasons You Should Go No Contact with Your Narcissistic Mother
Updated January 2023: I’m so glad you’re here and taking steps towards healing. I do have a series of articles on reparenting but want to be upfront that I’m in a place in my healing journey where I’ve moved away from talking about narcissistic traits in others and I’m currently focusing solely on expansion and what brings me joy. I’ve moved away from the textbooks and have jumped headfirst back into shadow work art (my original healing medium) mixed with a newfound interest in mushrooms. If the thought of using art and mushrooms to find peace outside of your family’s dysfunctions excites you then definitely do poke around. Sending you luck on your journey, friend.
There are many reasons why someone would want to go no contact with a narcissistic mother or family member—and there’s no “right” or “wrong” reason.
Here are some of the most common motivators to why you should go no contact with your toxic parent:
1. She Violates Your Boundaries Without Remorse
Healthy relationships require healthy boundaries, and some parents don’t understand this. If your mother (or any family member) expects you to cater to them, always say yes, and never push back, then they don’t respect your boundaries.
Pay attention to how your family members respond when you politely tell them “no.” This might involve you doing something (such as a favor for them) or allowing them to touch you or your children.
Some parents have a hard time accepting that other people, especially children, have bodily autonomy—if a child says, “no, I don’t want a hug,” a narcissist might become angry or irritable.
If you’re constantly communicating and enforcing your boundaries, and your mother repeatedly disrespects your wishes, that toxic behavior alone can be enough to go no contact or, at the very least, reduce contact.
2. She Always Centers Herself
Narcissistic mothers have a “me first” mentality, even when it comes to their own children. This harmful dynamic often plays out where the mother:
has an entitled or self-important attitude
believes she is better than others and deserves special treatment
seeks admiration from others, including her children
exploits her children to feel better about herself
is hypersensitive to criticism
is oblivious to the damage and trauma she causes
usually talks about herself
blames others for her problems
If you tend to feel inferior or unloved in your relationship with your mother, it may be because she centers herself in an unhealthy way, acting ambivalent towards your needs. This relationship dynamic is unlikely to change or ever provide fulfillment.
3. You’re Often Manipulated or Pressured into Doing Things
Toxic mothers are experts at covert abuse and manipulation. If you don’t do something for her right away, she is likely to guilt trip you, making you feel bad over entirely reasonable circumstances or boundaries.
A narcissistic mother may also make you feel guilty or ashamed by focusing on how much she does for you. If you find yourself often getting roped into doing things or acting a certain way when you don’t want to, it might be time to go no contact.
4. Seeing Family is So Stressful You Break Down
Some people in toxic households appear to manage their stress well, but on the inside, they suffer greatly. Pay attention to how spending time with your family makes you feel.
If you become anxious or nervous when plans with family approach, it could be taking a bigger toll on your mental health than you realize. Narcissistic mothers are experts at lowering your confidence and making you feel unimportant—even if they don’t intend to.
When your family makes your stress levels go through the roof, and a potential breakdown is apparent, consider the benefits of going no contact.
5. You Feel Like She’s Controlling Your Life
In toxic families, power dynamics are often not as they should be, and children can feel like their lives are being controlled by their family members. If your parent constantly tries to enforce their beliefs on your life, no contact (or reduced contact) may be the best way forward.
That control may reach into what job you work, who you date, or other aspects of your personal life. It’s not uncommon for a narcissistic parent’s beliefs to be rooted in prejudices like racism, homophobia, transphobia, ableism, sexism, ageism, and classism.
These biases can also cause a big junction between family members if your values and ethics don’t align. If you know that broaching these subjects will not lead to a fruitful conversation, no contact might be the best way to prioritize your needs for your life.
6. Abuse Puts You or Your Children in Danger
This next one is easier to spot than some of the covert abuse. If you know that you or your kids are in danger of violence and abuse when spending time with a narcissistic parent, no contact is a good decision.
Abuse isn’t always as obvious as physical violence, though. Here are some examples of abuse you should also protect yourself and your kids from:
physical and emotional neglect
verbal abuse like angry yelling, harshness, and insults
forms of physical abuse seen as “socially acceptable,” such as spanking or withholding food
7. You Feel Like You’re Reliving Childhood Trauma
It’s much harder to heal from your childhood trauma if you’re still living it. If you feel like you’re reliving the negativity of your childhood when you spend time with your parents, no contact is a realistic option that can help you heal.