Cycle Breaking: How to Identify and Overcome Self Defeating Beliefs
Updated January 2023: I’m so glad you’re here and taking steps towards healing. I do have a series of articles on reparenting but want to be upfront that I’m in a place in my healing journey where I’ve moved away from talking about narcissistic traits in others and I’m currently focusing solely on expansion and what brings me joy. I’ve moved away from the textbooks and have jumped headfirst back into shadow work art (my original healing medium) mixed with a newfound interest in mushrooms. If the thought of using art and mushrooms to find peace outside of your family’s dysfunctions excites you then definitely do poke around. Sending you luck on your journey, friend.
As a cycle breaker, it goes without saying that you’ve experienced some trauma. Well, probably a lot of trauma. And your commitment to not traumatize your own kids has brought you here.
Today we’re going to talk about overcoming self-defeating beliefs.
There will always be those who try to tear you down in life, but the person with the most power to destroy what you’re building is ultimately yourself. So, what can you do when your thoughts are your worst enemy?
The process of overcoming self-defeating beliefs is a long and arduous one, but you are strong. Here’s what you need to do.
Allow your emotions to work for you, not against you.
You know the gut-wrenching feeling of negative emotions. As they bubble up, there might even be certain behaviors that signal to you and others that you’re not feeling right. And, eventually, a breakdown is inevitable.
Instead of letting your emotions push and pull you through an unpleasant rollercoaster, allow them to work for you.
When you take the time to notice your emotions, you can use them as flags that say, “My boundary is being crossed” or “I need to take a moment for myself.”
When you begin to distinguish emotions triggered by self-defeating beliefs from those triggered by external circumstances, you can let your emotions guide you towards growth.
Name your monsters.
Fighting something you can’t see is extremely difficult, if not impossible. So, before you can overcome your self-defeating beliefs, you need to name them.
Single out and identify your negative beliefs. It can help to write them down in a list, journal about a specific one, or talk to trusted friends about them.
Here are some common self-defeating beliefs that we cycle breakers experience:
· I’m not good enough.
· I’m not worthy.
· I’ll never find real love.
· I don’t deserve it.
· I’m destined to be alone.
· I’m a loser.
None of these things are true, even if you believe them. And if someone else ever said these things to another human, it would be cruel.
That’s why some people also find it helpful to give their negative self-talk an actual name, like Jerry or Edward. When your self-defeating beliefs pop up, you can talk back to this persona—and feel free to give them attitude. They’re mean!
Challenge your beliefs.
Most of the time, when faced with logic and not emotion, your self-defeating beliefs don’t stand a chance.
For example, if you struggle with the feeling that you don’t deserve to be loved—consider if you believe that everyone deserves love, even if they’ve also done some pretty bad things in their life. So, if you agree to the second part, how does that make sense that you’re the exception? It doesn’t.
And while this practice won’t make your negative beliefs disappear, challenging your negative self-talk with logic will help you overcome it over time.
Lean on your intuition.
As you start to get a handle on acknowledging how your emotions and negative self-talk feed into each other, you might also notice that you instinctively know what to do in these situations. But, you may also feel resistance to trusting yourself.
To overcome your self-defeating beliefs, lean on your intuition. You are ultimately your best guide in situations where negative self-talk pops up. So, trust yourself and follow your intuition.
Know that you will heal.
Finally, have faith that the healing process is taking its course. Cycle breakers feel the way we do because of our conditioning—not because something inside us is broken or wrong. It is 100% possible to heal, and you’re already on your way!
Check out our Cycle Breakers Self-Assessment Quiz to see how far along you are in your journey and get some help moving forward.