How to Heal and Find Yourself During Motherhood
“I feel captive.”
It’s one of the things I hear repeatedly while working with moms looking for any semblance of well-being.
We feel captive in our roles as mothers. We feel chained to the grind. We are tugged on and grasped at each day, while also going through most of the day invisibly.
We’d love to achieve wellness and inner healing but it’s hard around our children's schedules. Old coping methods aren’t easy to make time for anymore, whether scheduling in (and having funds for) massages, relaxing vacays with ya girls, or just rollin’ up a lil something.
It’s all very overwhelming and underwhelming.
I’m sure many of us have been feeling the boo-boos of life for quite some time now. But wow. To say 2020 hit different is a major understatement.
2020 HIT HARD.
This is exactly when and why you need sustainable wellness habits to keep you moving as far away from the scruggle as possible. Now is not the time for “hacks”.
Beautiful, electromagnetic human being, you have the power in you to change your situations.
For me, this journey to wellness started two years ago, but I’m sharing my findings now and trusting that this message of realistic sustainable wellness will touch the right eyes, minds, and hearts whether you are a mom or not.
Why?
Because y’all, I was tired. Tired of the self-doubt. Tired of dragging through each day uninspired. Some days, too tired to continue. And, oh so tiyyyyad of being triggered.
Last summer I organized Momma’s Wellness Summit, a 5-day virtual experience for moms to recharge amidst covid and the cancellation of summer. While interviewing 30+ health and wellness experts I picked up on my healing pattern within the coaches’ personal stories of triumph.
Below are the 3 steps that have to happen in order for you to heal and actualize your true self on your healing journey.
The Captive to Creatrix framework
There are many aspects in life in which we may feel held captive, whether in our roles in our families, society, or the patriarchy. And there are many moves that we can make towards freeing ourselves so that we feel safe enough to dream courageously.
These are the 3 moves that I have found to be the most sustainable, I’ve named these steps the Captive to Creatrix framework.
What is a Creatrix anyway?
In its simplest form, the word Creatrix is the feminine form of the word Creator.
When I first saw the word ‘creatrix’ I felt that there had to be something more, the word felt deep and almost sovereign.
The way that I’ve heard it most beautifully described is by Michelle of The Goddess Flow blog.
She writes:
“A Creatrix is a woman who is deeply connected to herself as a Woman and the Feminine Source of Creative power. She gives rise to desires, gives birth to ideas and life of all kinds. She dreams courageously and trusts so deeply in the intrinsic co-creative connection she shares with the Divine and the Natural World.
She nurtures herself, those around her and the planet. She is the guardian and protector of the magical essence of life. She understands that without darkness there is no light. Without the beautiful presence of the masculine in our world there is no wholeness. To be a Master Creatrix she accepts the power of owning her shadow side. Being vulnerable is the superpower of living freely, fully and creatively.”
I read her post and silently exclaimed, “Yesss! This is it!” This is the person that I am. Or rather, that I long to be. These are the words that describe that unknown gnawing that I’ve been feeling. That restlessness in my bones. These are the words that I meant to whisper when I prayed for inner-peace and when I collapsed from exhaustion after feeling the need to do all the things all the time.
Unfortunately for me, there were no follow-up posts to simply guide me on HOW to transcend to this creatrix state and after some time I forgot all about it.
I did continue on my healing journey, however.
Slowly and intentionally I’ve been putting in the work of healing childhood wounds and silencing my inner critic. On the other side of healing I am finding myself.
Here are the 3 steps that I’ve been using to get me there:
Step 1: Acknowledgement
Like Jay-Z said, “You can’t heal what you never reveal.”
The first step to sustainable healing and moving into your creatrix mind is acknowledgement. Seeing, reflecting, and knowing.
Without acknowledgment we continue to wear our social masks.
Due to Covid, we have all been in the same boat for the last 6 months wearing masks, so I know you can agree that masks are stifling!
The face masks we wear behind our face masks hide discomfort, pain, and shame, most of it stored in our subconscious.
There is a Japanese proverb that says we all have three faces. The first face, you show to the world. The second face, you show to your close friends and family. The third face, you never show anyone.
The third face is your truest reflection. The quirky protagonist in your story. Your inner child lives here.
And it’s what your inner critic loves to poke at and lie about. Your inner critic keeps you small and “safe” with its fibs about your beliefs, your talents, and your past.
The inner critic tells you to wear the mask and continue to stifle yourself.
Without self-reflection we can’t acknowledge the hurt behind our sarcasm or see the numbing agents (for example: social media, shopping and drugs) that we use to attempt to ease the pain for what they really are.
You have to feel to heal.
Many of the coaches I interviewed during Momma’s Wellness Summit had a moment in their lives where they had to heal from the situation that they are now helping others with. Ultimately, their mess became their message. But first they had to acknowledge that they had a problem.
How are you feeling these days? Give yourself credit, you know when something ain’t it.
The key here is to acknowledge yourself and your situations WITHOUT JUDGEMENT. Be aware and accountable without judging yourself or others.
A few of my favorite simple tools to increase self-awareness include:
Journaling
The Enneagram personality framework
The Myer-Briggs personality test
Asking trusted friends or family members.
Step 2: Acceptance
Step 2 is acceptance, and that is because without self-acceptance the triggers won’t stop.
*A note on triggers: I know it hurts and I’m in no way justifying anything anyone did to harm you ever. But the key here is to remember that this pain is coming from past events. Staying hurt lets the pain win. You can move past the hurt which resides in your heart and mind whenever you decide that it is the right time.
Here’s my take on it:
If you only work on self-reflection without self-acceptance, you are kinda like the old version of Eminem.
(I’m a huge Em fan, and this is gonna make total sense in a minute. Let’s keep going.)
When Eminem dropped The Slim Shady LP there wasn’t a single person that wasn’t blown away by his lyrics. His music was so polarizing, either you rocked with him because the flow was dope, or you were outraged by the words. Classic Em.
What most people view as Eminem’s most successful years, I view as him being stuck in the shadow side of Step 1.
Em was repeatedly writing lyrics (similar to journaling) on the hardest, darkest parts of his life. Imagine how hard that made it to move on.
When we don’t move from Step 1 (acknowledgement) to Step 2 (acceptance) we stay in our own healing shadow.
The key factor to owning the acceptance stage is mastering self-trust.
Self-trust means you have faith in yourself to survive situations. Self-trust means giving up on yourself is not an option. You are here to play the long game. It means that you are not gonna settle, and in fact take healthy risks on yourself.
Some things you can do to help gain self-trust include:
Giving space to your emotions
Appreciating your talents and positive attributes
Being a better friend to yourself
Step 3: Attune & Take Action
Step 3 is where the fun happens. When you attune your passions and take action you begin to create the life you want.
This is where all those things you have been trying to manifest for years now actually have space to grow.
Step 1 and Step 2 steer you towards Step 3. Honestly, it will feel like an unfolding.
By doing the reflection work in Step 1 you will begin to uncover your likes, dislikes and hopefully even a passion or two.
By increasing your self-trust in Step 2 you will start to bet on yourself. You will understand that your joy and abundance is worth the risk.
Chris Do wisely said “Wisdom = experience + reflection”. You will experience this and this too will direct you towards your next moves.
The best part about these steps is that they don’t actually need to be done chronologically. You don’t need to wait 2 weeks, 6 months or a year before you start attuning your life and taking action on your desires.
Making small moves throughout my healing process really helped to rev up my engine. It has become exciting to see life work itself out in front of me by implementing simple rituals and goals into my lifestyle.
Keeping rituals was another trait that I noticed all 30 of the health coaches I interviewed had in common.
Reflection got them to acknowledge the roadblock that was in front of them and try something different.
Self-trust made these women persevere on their wellness journey when they were still on the struggle bus.
Rituals helped them to keep at their goals despite daily hardships.
Believe me, I’ve tried all the ways and having no ritual is the worst ritual. You need to build healthy habits.
Here are 10 simple ritual ideas for you to pick and choose from:
Learning a new recipe every month
Spending time in your wellness nook
Gardening
Sunset strolls as a family
Quarterly vision mapping sessions
Morning workouts via YouTube
Weekly art sessions
Joining a social group
Monthly meet-up with ya peeps
Morning meditations
As you can see from the list above. Rituals do not have to be daily and are not meant to be reserved for chores.
It is good to have a mix of weekly, monthly and even seasonal rituals as a part of your wellness routine. The key to staying accountable is deciding which rituals will best fit your lifestyle & personality.
The days will always be long and there will always be something vying for your attention. You must create goals that you are passionate about. That’s the only way to ensure that you do the work.
Conclusion
There is no such thing as being “too broken” to heal and live well, but it will take continued effort, serious grace and patience to begin to work the salve contained within us into our wounds.
Healing is built with consistency. Healing is possible. Hold firm.